Dalam dunia ni, well I specify for those who are 20, dan mereka yang masih berusia muda ni, ada antara mereka yang suka bercakap about love, feelings, emotions, true love, part time love or whatever. Ada juga yang ambil tak kisah, because they're not ready, don't have the guts (it doesn't mean you're coward, it's just not time yet), etc.
But I am here speaking of a true love. Loyalty is the most important, yes its true. But is that all? Is that enough for a lovely love relationship? You see lovers or husband and wife chilling and giggling, and you can be so sure that they're really happy? As happy as everyone thought as if my parents never fall into a quarrel? Because they're really happy together for almost 28 years of marriage excluding the two years they knew each other as only, lovers?
Semua orang ada masalah mereka sendiri yang kemungkinan besar disebabkan kelemahan disebelah pihak. Kalau mereka yang salah, we see them macam "Why on earth am I falling for him/her?" Tapi macam mana dengan salah kita? Kita harap sangat yang dia akan berubah tapi kita tak nak berubah. Why? Because we don't even realize what needs to be changed and what not? And why don't we? Because we never tried to have a good conversation with a quality time, to atleast discuss apa yang kita harap kan pada dia, and what he/she is expecting from us. Untuk berubah tu lain cerita. But kalau tak buka conversation tu, how on earth would us know the cause of the problems, the conflicts and etc.
One year plus we were together, there were a lot of tears, patience, changes, everything between us. Banyak benda I've tried to change not for him, not for me, but purely for this relationship. And he did too. I've hurt him a lot. And he did too. Banyak kelemahan dia, but the more that I have. A lot of sweet memory that I express in here, but bukan perkara yang mengecewakan. Tapi bukan tujuan untuk buktikan this is the ultimate love that I have, cume, I believe that I am too young for all of this, for all the tears and hurts, perkara2 yang tak matang.
To list out all of his weaknesses, I would if I could. But I couldn't. I believe that its just a human kind nature, to never feel grateful for what they have. Sentiasa ingin kan lebih lebih lebih dan lebih. Dan perasaan cemburu di atas kebahagiaan pasangan yang lain, yang akhirnya menyebabkan pergaduhan. For what? Banyak kelemahan dia, memang banyak. But mesti ada sebab why you're still together. Because if tak ada sebabnya, you might just walk away in the first place.
Well I finally admit, it is very very painful to have an unexpressive guy as your boyfriend. To say the words is hard for him, because he shows it with actions. Which I never noticed. I did, but I want more. Sometimes I was thinking what if I finally end up with another guy, will he regret for not saying those three words as much as I did? Or what if, the night that I hope he would gently stroke my hair and say those three words but he didn't. As I walk away, suddenly there was a lamborghini hit me from the side, and.........that's the end of everything. Will he regret for planing to say it the next day because the next day is my birthday, instead of the minute before the crash happen?
There was one guy who actually contacted me through Facebook, he knew that I already have my love. He's been trying to have a little chat with me but I never gave a damn. Until one day, I just thought of replying for the fun of it. And surprisingly he expressed how much he was impressed with my writing, my blog. He's been following my blog for quite sometimes. He said he adored it. And not only just as a reader, but it was more than that. I felt so different because none of those guys who ever got the guts as he has, to express it to me, but at the same time he knew that I am in love with Syafeeq Asyraf. As I thought that conversation was just wayyy too far, I stopped it. It was just a one day conversation. Look. I'm not being a cheap whore for assuming that this guy is just crazy over me while he might be just some random guy who is testing whichever girl he thinks, easy. So as usual, I left the conversation hangy, just like that. I would never chat with him. But then again, he mailed me a long writing of his expressions, until willing to wait for me? I did reply. All I could say was "Thank you, but I love my boyfriend".
Arghhh..I wish I could put it into words, what I really want to deliver here. Hurmmm,,, surprisingly, I showed By, his mail. And then By left with no words at all. Do you know how painful I feel?
I was not planing to test his insecurity, I wish I could. I really want to see what he really is, when he knows there is a guy after me. That's why I showed him the mail. I could just block that person if I wanted but I didn't, because I wanted him to understand, how and what the situation is like if this kind of hard time, really happen in this relationship.
We didn't talk for few days, wasn't that long. I insist to delete this person, but I have no idea, as I checked in, he deleted me first before I do so. I know By didn't warn him, but I think this guy knew that he made a big mistake. Maybe because of one of the entry that I posted for him in my blog, or could be the last message that I replied to him.
All I wanted, is not to make him feel insecure, but to learn, and to open his eyes. That he can't predict what's gonna happen in the future. It's true we are depending on takdir, and we follow the flow. But we're the driver, we should be aware to where we are leading to.
Don't only think about feelings, think about the abstract as well.
Tak kisah la apa yang lebih dalam hati ni, concrete or abstract, fantasy or reality, feelings or emotions. Semuanya perlu balance. Accept the fact, the more you are drown in love, the stronger it will be, the more mature it becomes, but the more childish you turn. More tears and more conflicts. So be careful. Cuba berubah mana yang mampu, and what important is, a conversation. By seorang yang sangat secretive, unexpressive and me vice versa. Both can be a weakness, both can be a strength.
Well the story about this random guy, dah lama dah. Dah lama sangat and I couldn't even remember when was exactly it happened. I don't know if he's still reading, but I hope he's not. No matter whether he's serious or not, I'm glad the thing happened just as it is.
Guys hate to talk about future things, yet there are some who can.
Girls love to talk about future things, yet there are some who could control.
Sometimes you argue that you did talk about it, or you did say it, but was it you who start it first? If you don't, it means you haven't yet changed.
It's my option to leave because of his weakness, but I choose to stay, not for him, not for me, but for us. Kalau relationship tu dah bertahun tahun, cuba la pertahankan selagi yakin both sides still loving each other. Because, proses perkenalan orang yang baru dalam hidup tu sangat susah daripada you go on with what you already have now.
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